"Someone I Care About is Having a Baby. I Want to Show Support, BUT..."

Babies are wonderful blessings, not only to their family but often to those around them. When we hear that a loved one is having a baby, we want to help. Sometimes, it isn't as easy to help as other times. We may be unable to help for a variety of reasons. Here are some ways to help a loved one postpartum despite various obstacles.

"But I am super broke!" My love language is gift-giving. I get that that sometimes feels like the only way to show someone you're thinking of them, especially when you can imagine shopping for the perfect thing! Unfortunately, our friends babies don't show up on our schedule, and we can't always afford the big expensive gift we dream of giving -- that's okay! Consider taking something off your loved ones plate in place of a wrappable item. This could be prior to birth, such as stocking their freezer or prepping their baby laundry, deep cleaning their home for them so they can return from the hospital to a crisp environment, or stopping by to help with dishes and walking the dog in the immediate postpartum period (BUT definitely don't do this without asking them, and don't expect baby snuggles.)

"But I live too far away!" If you ask me about my family support, a lot of the people who I feel the most connected to live the farthest away. It wouldn't have been practical for them to swing by for a few hours to meet the baby and sweep my floors real quick. Still, they showed their support in other ways. New parents will be spending a ton of time nourishing the infant, often at the expense of having time to nourish themselves. Sending gift-cards for grocery or meal delivery can help ensure they can quickly and easily get something inside their own bodies so that they can keep giving babe whatever they need. I also had a very crafty relative make a water-bottle decal for me that said "you got this momma, just drink some water!" and pop it in the mail for me. Breastfeeding mommas know that level of thirst is REAL, and having that encouragement to keep going and remind me of the loved one in my corner every time was a great emotional boost.

"But I'm so busy!" We live in a world that glorifies being overworked. Our social medias make us feel inadequate if all we did with our own children was build a block tower compared to a colleague who took theirs strawberry picking (I'm so guilty of this!), and it makes us want to schedule more and more activities. Since we all try to show things as picture-perfect online, it might be a surprise to hear that parents of newborns are extremely lonely. What you can do for them even if you can't do their chores or send a gift is offer your support and conversation. They may be awake at weird hours, they might be distracted, they might not text you back right away, but hearing that someone is thinking of them can make them feel like they aren't alone. Maybe you're busy because you've already made it through this season of raising your babies, let them know you're happy to be someone they go to for advice or commiserations.

"But I need to stay emotionally distant." Approximately 1 in 6 couples struggles with infertility, 10-20% of pregnancies result in miscarriage, and postpartum depression can effect not only new moms, but support partners as well. For these reasons, and others, it could be hard for you emotionally to be involved in someone else's postpartum period, even if you are deeply happy for them. If you want to show your support in a hands-off way, consider sending them a postpartum doula! One of my very first clients was a super sweet NICU-graduate. His moms were the most amazing people, but I had been hired by a family friend who knew they needed help despite not being able to offer the help personally.

Whatever your reason, it's okay to simply say "I'm happy for you!" and move on. This post is not meant to make you feel like you need to give something to every expecting couple or person in your life, just that there are creative options if you feel personally compelled to do so. No matter how you choose to help, consider the parents boundaries and if you aren't sure how they will feel about something, ask them if it is okay and don't push. Thank you in advance for listening to them and for choosing to be a valuable part of their village.